I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
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Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.