I never needed anything more in my life
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Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.