I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
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Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.