BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
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“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Lmao
Aaaa…CHOO!
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face