The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
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Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from