I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
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Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Me trying to look natural in photos
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”