I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
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Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K