Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
You Might Also Like
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
See..?
.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.