*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
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I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up