Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
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If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Received some very disappointing news today
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?