I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
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partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Saving my good tweets for marriage
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
relationship goals
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet