Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
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“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water