Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
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Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
dutch is not a serious language
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Stop sending me this shit.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.