A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
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All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
For the ones in the back.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.