Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
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I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks