There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
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The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
This checks out
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
When you’re Kinky but poor
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
#NeverForget
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”