Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
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This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
But is it really??
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”