[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
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Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs