“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
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me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work