Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
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never deleting this app.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this