[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
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Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.