agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
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[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack