[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
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My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
TODAY
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……