Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
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Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
My favorite female superhero
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.