How do you milk an almond?
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[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
You can’t outrun your problems…
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Air conditioning – not a fan