[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
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me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
“A little help here, Danny?”
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
i did the math
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Yoga Matt