Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
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“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”