Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
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Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner鈥檚 live laugh love decals
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there鈥檚 no room for a freezer to hide a body
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
aaaaartichokes. you鈥檙e welcome.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
We鈥檝e been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito鈥檚 vodka and could we ship her some.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn鈥檛 real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren鈥檛 able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 馃
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
ME: *grasping wife鈥檚 hand* omg he鈥檚 going to say his first words
WIFE: c鈥檓on buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d鈥檃wwwww
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I鈥檓 dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!