Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
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Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Whoa 😂
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Florida be like…
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I’m listening
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Okey dokey.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?