Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
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Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.