Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
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They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?