Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
You Might Also Like
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
so weird how every mom was born today
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
new record!