If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
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And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Great acting.. 😂
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you