[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
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Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor