adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
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I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Cannot stop laughing at this
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets