Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
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Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
get you a girl who
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.