WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
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Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
The real reason evolution started..😂
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
“Sheer Arrogance”
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.