*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
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I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Did I do this right
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
man i love columbo
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.