the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
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[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Whoa… oh I see lol
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.