35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
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The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3