If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
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Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger