My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
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therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
There is no “we” in pizza
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I don’t know what to do
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.