Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
SCARY COSTUME
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
A ghost story
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news