Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
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6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Battery falling down a hole
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Pandas 🐼🖤
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.