If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
You Might Also Like
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I saw nothing
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.