Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
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It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Don’t talk down to me
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.