I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
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TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
That’s easy for you to say
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”