if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
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there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy