You Might Also Like
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
The smoothest fall of all time
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.