The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
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Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood